THE KHALIFAH DIARIES Be The Best Muslimah For Allah SWT

Bismillah بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Raising children is one of the greatest responsibilities we have as parents. It’s not just about ensuring they are clothed, fed, and educated; it’s also about nurturing their emotional and spiritual well-being. My journey as a mother has been filled with countless learning moments, especially with my little Maryam, who is turning two soon. As I reflect on the lessons I’m learning along the way, I am reminded of the profound wisdom found in the Quran, Sunnah, and even the inspiring stories around me—like my mother, who, at 50+, has taken on the challenge of pursuing her Master’s in Psychology Counseling.

This article explores how we can provide the right tarbiyah (Islamic upbringing) for our children, inspired by our beloved Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), while managing our own emotional responses.

Start with Emotional Nurturing: The Foundation of Iman

One of the most inspiring aspects of the Prophet Muhammad’s (peace be upon him) life was his incredible gentleness with children. He always prioritized fulfilling their emotional needs before teaching them anything about deen (faith).

Dr. Hisham Al-Wadi conducted extensive research on this aspect and found that Rasulullah’s first step in tarbiyah was emotional connection. Without this foundation, even lessons on iman may not resonate deeply.

“Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) would kiss his children and grandchildren and show them love. When someone said to him, ‘I have ten children and have never kissed any of them,’ the Prophet replied, ‘The one who does not show mercy will not be shown mercy.’”
(Bukhari)

Children thrive when their emotional needs are met—through love, comfort, and understanding. When we, as parents, approach them with care and patience, we not only help them feel secure but also pave the way for nurturing true belief in their hearts.

Handling Tantrums with Patience and Empathy

Yesterday, I had a moment with Maryam that really tested my patience. She wanted her own packet of biscuits even though I had already opened one. When I refused, a tantrum ensued, leaving me feeling overwhelmed and paralyzed.

In hindsight, I realized how important it is to stay calm in such moments. Tantrums are not acts of defiance; they are a child’s way of expressing frustration. Remember, their brains are still developing, and they lack the ability to process emotions like adults.

Here’s what I plan to do next time:

1. Stay calm and go down to her level.
   By making eye contact and speaking gently, I can help her feel understood.
   
2. Explain gently and offer alternatives.
   Instead of just saying “no,” I’ll explain why she can’t have what she wants and suggest an alternative, like a piece of fruit.
   
3. Distract and redirect.
   If reasoning doesn’t work, I’ll shift her attention to something she enjoys, like her favorite toy.
   
4. Recognize the signs of exhaustion.
   Many tantrums happen because the child is tired. When all else fails, it’s probably time for a nap.
   

“And lower your wing to the believers who follow you.”
(Quran, 26:215)

This verse reminds us to be gentle and patient, even when tested. Parenting with empathy mirrors the prophetic approach of kindness and understanding.

The Role of Reflecting on Our Own Behavior

Parenting often feels like holding a mirror to our own flaws and insecurities. When I reflect on moments where I lose patience, I realize it’s often because I’m running on empty. It’s a reminder that we, too, need emotional nurturing—self-care is essential for effective parenting.

Instead of blaming myself for not handling the situation perfectly, I try to give myself grace. Acknowledging that I’m doing my best helps me approach the next challenge with a clearer mind.

“Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear.”
(Quran, 2:286)

This verse serves as a comforting reminder that no challenge is beyond our capacity, including the trials of motherhood.

Setting the Right Example Through Actions

Children learn more from what they see than what they’re told. If we want to raise them as emotionally secure and spiritually strong individuals, we must embody those qualities ourselves.

For instance, I’ve been inspired by my mother’s commitment to learning and growth, even in her 50s. Watching her pursue her master’s degree is a powerful reminder that it’s never too late to improve ourselves. This aspiration to become a better version of oneself can set a beautiful example for our children.

“Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.”
(Quran, 13:11)

By striving to improve ourselves, we model resilience, perseverance, and a love for learning—qualities we want to instill in our children.

Balancing Discipline with Mercy

While it’s important to set boundaries, it’s equally vital to enforce them with mercy. Rasulullah (peace be upon him) balanced discipline and compassion masterfully. His interactions with children were full of understanding and patience, even in moments where discipline was necessary.

For example, when a young boy was playing during salah, the Prophet did not scold him harshly. Instead, he gently redirected him.

“He who is not merciful to people, Allah will not be merciful to him.”
(Bukhari)

Discipline rooted in love and mercy creates a safe environment where children feel respected and valued.

Fostering Emotional Intelligence in Children

Another key aspect of parenting is helping children understand and manage their emotions. This starts with validating their feelings. When Maryam cries over something seemingly small, I remind myself that her feelings are valid, even if I don’t fully understand them.

By naming emotions and guiding her through them, I can help her develop emotional intelligence—a skill that will benefit her throughout life.

“The strong person is not the one who overpowers others in wrestling. Rather, the strong one is the one who controls himself in anger.”
(Bukhari)

Teaching emotional regulation is a gift that sets our children up for success, both in their relationships and their relationship with Allah.

Conclusion: A Renewed Focus on Parenting with Purpose

As parents, it’s natural to feel overwhelmed, but it’s also a journey filled with opportunities for growth—for both us and our children. Reflecting on the lessons from the Quran, Hadith, and personal experiences can help us become the parents our children need.

My recent experiences with Maryam have reminded me of the importance of fulfilling her emotional needs, staying patient during challenging moments, and continuously striving to improve myself. Inspired by my mother’s determination and the prophetic model of parenting, I am committed to nurturing Maryam with love, care, and wisdom, insyaAllah.

Let’s remember that our ultimate goal is not just to raise obedient children but to raise emotionally secure, spiritually grounded individuals who love Allah and follow His guidance wholeheartedly.

“And those who say, ‘Our Lord, grant us from among our spouses and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous.’”
(Quran, 25:74)

May Allah grant us the strength, patience, and wisdom to raise righteous children who are a source of comfort and blessings for us in this life and the hereafter. Ameen.