بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ
Things can get real messy when couples get into arguments. One person feels hurt, the other feels abandoned and unheard, etc. It’s just really painful and unbearable sometimes.
And in these moments, your reliance on Allah suddenly turns 100 degrees because you have nowhere else to turn to. Maybe that’s the whole point of the argument anyway – for both parties to rely on Allah again instead of each other.
Unfortunately, conflicts in marriages are unavoidable. As long as you’re married to another human being, you’re bound to run into them.
So, how do you better equip yourself with the right skills and teachings from the Quran and Sunnah to better handle these disputes or conflicts every time they arise? Here are some tips that can help you out. No one said marriages are easy, but if you do it the right way, it can be very rewarding. You will have a happy marriage where both of you understand each other deeply. In sha Allah 🙂
1. Remember Shaytan is your real enemy, not your spouse
As long as you’re married to a God-fearing man, there’s no reason to see him as the enemy. He’s probably just as hurt as you are right now. Shaytan is clapping his hands and having the time of his life watching the two of you get on each other’s nerves. That’s what he wants.
Surely, Shaitan (Satan) is an enemy to you, so take (treat) him as an enemy. – [35:6]
Meanwhile, your husband is probably confused and hurt trying to solve the issue on his own just like you are. So, if your husband has not done it, be the first person to fight shaytan and do the right thing whether it be apologizing, making the first smile or kind gesture to crack the ice.
Whatever it is, be the strong couple that constantly fights the shaytan. Never give room for him to ruin your marriage because if not, you are at a loss, not the shaytan. Remember, you will always be a team against the shaytan. If your husband forgets this, remind him and strengthen your teamwork. 🙂
2. Make du’a Allah soften both your hearts
It takes two soft hearts to come together and compromise on any issue. Whenever there’s a conflict, it just means that both parties are not understanding and loving each other well. To understand one another, it takes an open, sincere and honest heart to come to a middle ground that can make both parties happy. Sometimes it’s hard to have two soft hearts come together at the same time. Your husband or you might be having a bad day, or one of you is just naturally a bad tempered person.
When one person’s heart hardens, it will be like pouring water on a rock. Nothing you say will come through to him, he will not understand you or even want to understand you at this point.
So, the best thing you can do right now is to turn to the One who holds our hearts. He can soften any heart and bring back the light to any hardened and blackened heart. 🙂
When both you and your husband are in this state of calm and both your hearts are softened, it will be immensely easy to resolve any issues in sya Allah.
3. Make du’a Allah gives the perfect solution to your problem(s)
In this world, no matter how certain we are in the decisions we make, only Allah knows the best paths for us to take. We may be blinded by our worldly desires, our shortcomings and limitations etc. Sometimes, when we’re too set in our ways and we are not open to Allah’s plans that might not seem the best in our interest, we can forgo some of the best decisions that can turn our life around.
When it comes to resolving issues with your spouse, try to be open to other solutions to the problem and not be too set in your decisions that you can’t validly consider your husband’s opinions. Honestly hear him out before making any decision because you are in a partnership now. Partners discuss everything openly together. Just like in a business partnership, both parties have to be in agreement in any decision in order to make the business a success.
Ask for the best solution to your problems from Allah SWT. And when you sincerely ask for it, don’t be surprised if the answer comes in the form of your husband’s preferences, so you have to hear him out. There’s a reason Allah SWT chose him to be your husband. If Allah doesn’t think he fits the bill, he will not be your husband in the first place. 🙂
4. Empathize with your spouse
Would you like it if your husband comes to you, sits by your side and honestly and genuinely tries to understand you and everything you are going through? Why not do the same for him? How about you be the person to make the first move to try to understand him.
A kind word and forgiveness is better than a charitable deed followed by hurtful words – [2:263]
Every time I do this, it works. In most Asian families, it is completely fine to not talk about issues and just shove whatever you disagree about under the bed. At some point, this gets really frustrating. So, to change the dynamic, I had to muster all the strength I had in me to confront him and talk about all the hurt I felt inside.
As I do this often enough, my husband starts to come around and do the same for me. He would hug me when I feel sad. He would ask me what’s wrong and listen to me while I pour my heart out for what seems like hours.
When I understand who my husband really is and where he came from, I can see why he does the things he does. Slowly, things make sense. And I no longer have to blame him for the things that are not even his fault.
So you see, when you don’t have the big picture of what’s going on, it’s easy to fall into assumptions and blame your husband for all the problems when the two of you are supposed to be teammates working on the problem together.
Empathizing is a very subtle yet powerful tool. Use it to your advantage. 😉
5. Talk at the right time and place when both of you are ready
Now that you’re ready to empathize with him, please remember to pick the right time and place that would be good for both of you. Somewhere private and quiet, where nothing can distract you from being open and vulnerable with each other.
6. Don’t hold back, just let it out
This is your chance. Before things get worse, you need to tell him EXACTLY how you feel. Picture yourself standing against a dead end wall and there’s nothing else you can do and nowhere else to go. You’re stuck. You’re REALLY stuck.
He has to listen to you or there’s no way out.
This is probably your most vulnerable moment ever. You’ve never been this emotionally naked before, with a.n.y.o.n.e.
If you have a good husband and he’s ready to hear you out, he might be able to hear you until the end. But if he is the insensitive and impatient type, he might not be able to angelically sit there and listen to you for more than 2 minutes.
So, here’s a suggestion. Take turns. Tell him you will each take turns talking for 5-10mins. Within these 5-10mins, the other person has to listen without interrupting, interjecting or saying anything until the person’s 5-10mins turn is over. Rotate it like this until both of you can solve the issue insyaAllah.
It will be really hard at first, especially if you are not used to being vulnerable. BUT, I can’t even begin to express, it is THE MOST freeing and liberating and __________ put in all the adjectives you can think of that makes you feel like a trapped bird finally set free to fly till the end of the world.
I can’t tell you the feeling, you have to feel it for yourself. When the person who is supposed to be the closest person to you finally understands you exactly for who you are inside out, you know you can trust them on a wayyyy deeper level.
7. Hug and cry it out
When my husband and I get to this point, we would usually hug each other and cry so much we’d get each other’s shirts soaked. I can honestly say these are the best moments in our marriage. It can’t beat the times when we’re happy or enjoying ourselves. The times that we’re most vulnerable with our spouses are the BEST time of our lives.
I hope Allah gives us more of these moments. They are truly amazing mashaAllah.
One of the gifts from Allah for being imperfect is that we get to share this imperfection with someone who loves our imperfections. 🙂
Final thoughts
Being in a marriage helps you grow in ways you can never achieve alone. So, when you get out of this argument alive, you will discover a whole new side of you that you never knew existed. May your marriage achieve much greatness and success. Ameen. 🙂
They (your wives) are a clothing for you and you too are a clothing for them. – [2:187]
Any good from this article is from Allah and any evil is from the shaytaan and me. May Allah forgive our shortcomings in practicing His deen.
Wa billahi tawfeeq wa hidayah
(All successes come from Allah and His guidance).
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