THE KHALIFAH DIARIES Be The Best Muslimah For Allah SWT

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

More often than not, the process of finding a spouse can leave us feeling frustrated, lonely and even isolated. These feelings can cause us to slowly develop a negative outlook on life.

Societal and family pressure can cause serious harm to our mental health if we let it affect us.

Although it is important to acknowledge these feelings, as Muslimahs, we need to further equip ourselves with the right mindset to help us stay positive during this rather uncertain phase.

“And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient.” (Al-Baqarah, 2:155)

Allah tells us that He will test us with all kinds of trials including fear, hunger and loss from the things we love. But then Allah continues to remind us that if we can stay patient during these tough times, He will reward us with Jannah where we will never be tested with any calamity ever again. 🙂

Today, I’d like to share with you some steps to help you navigate through the challenges of finding a spouse and come out the other end successful insyaAllah.

Even if you don’t end up getting married in the near future, these life skills are still very useful to help you become the best version of yourself insyaAllah.

So, let’s get to it!

Step 1: Embracing Independence and Conquering Loneliness

The first step you need to take to gain control of your life and rewrite your story is to first fully embrace your independence. Yes, you have to be responsible for the person you choose to become. Every single action you take and decision you make will shape the rest of your life.

“…Whether you reveal what is in your hearts or conceal it, Allah will call you to account for it…” (Al-Baqarah 2:284)

Allah said that every action we take on this earth will be held accountable on the day of judgment. You will be asked why you chose to eat or drink a certain food, to go out with that person, to read that book and of course to marry that man.

So as proactive and smart women, we need to be vigilant with all the actions we take. That is why you need to start embracing your independence. Decide how you want to be the captain of your life from today.

First, you need to recognize that being single doesn’t define your worth or happiness. Our goal in this life and the next is none other than to please Allah and prepare to meet Him in Jannatul Firdaus insyaAllah. So, if He has destined that you were to be going through this life without a husband, then so be it.

Be that woman, who can stay content and grateful no matter what Allah destined for you in your life. That way you can free yourself from the burden of your own desires and start living according to Allah’s divine plans for you.

In a hadith, the Prophet s.a.w. once mentioned the four women of paradise:

خط رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم في الأرض أربعة أخطط، ثم قال: تدرون ما هذا؟ قالوا: الله ورسوله أعلم. قال: أفضل نساء أهل الجنة خديجة بنت خويلد، وفاطمة بنت محمد، ومريم ابنة عمران، وآسية بنت مزاحم امرأة فرعون

The Messenger of Allah s.a.w. drew four lines on the ground, then he s.a.w. said, “Do you know what this is?” The Companions r.a. replied, “Allah and His Messenger know best.” He s.a.w. then said: “The best of the women of Paradise are Khadijah bint Khuwaylid, Fatimah bint Muhammad, Maryam bint ‘Imran and Asiya bint Muzahim, the wife of Pharaoh.” (Musnad Ahmad)

Maryam a.s. was considered to be the most noble woman of her time and she was never married. Allah chose her to be amongst the four most honorable women of all time because she genuinely lived her life according to the decree of Allah and never put her own whims and desires above Him.

We can follow her footsteps and do the same insyaAllah. Now, I’m not saying you should forget about finding a spouse altogether. I’m simply asking you to be easy about it. Remember that Allah is the best of all planners, and He has the best plan for your life.

Trust His timing and process and just relax in your journey. Whatever the outcome may be, your goal is to only please your Creator, not your desires and not anyone else in your life who may be pressuring you into marriage.

As you embrace your independence, you need to start prioritizing self-care and doing things that make you happy. Self-care is simply a way you can start taking care of yourself. You have to take care of your physical and spiritual self.

Your physical self includes your health, fitness level and mental health. How do you create a healthy lifestyle that nurtures your body each day? Start exploring! Your spiritual self is all about the health and cleanliness of your soul.

How do you purify and nurture your soul each day? You can read the Quran, do tadabbur (reflection on the verses), engage in Salah and do more Dhikr (remembrance of Allah) etc.

Undeniably, people will come to you asking when you will be married and this can annoy you sometimes. It is healthy to set some boundaries in your relationships to respect your needs.

You cannot have family and relatives nagging and pressuring you to get married all the time. It is not healthy. Firstly, you need to respectfully tell them your current situation, whether you are trying your best with the search, is taking a break or if you’re not ready for such a big commitment yet.

Whatever your current stance may be, it is acceptable and you are perfectly fine to make your own life choices.

Secondly, you need to communicate your boundaries and needs. If their opinions are beginning to bother you, tell them exactly how you feel in a respectful manner.

Remember when Prophet Abraham a.s had to face his father when he smashed all the idols? He still called his father in a loving way using ‘ya Abati’ (my dear beloved father).

He didn’t address his father in a demeaning or disrespectful way. In fact, he did the opposite, using the most polite and loving way to address his father. And I’m assuming your parents and loved ones are not idol worshippers, so we should have more respect for them. But even if they are, follow the footsteps of Prophet Abraham a.s and address them lovingly.

Tell them that you are beginning to feel bothered by the constant pressure and you would appreciate it if they could _________ (fill in the blanks) – assist you in finding the right man instead of just gossiping and nagging/ respect your choices to let go of the subject for awhile or relax and trust Allah’s timing etc.

After you have kept the peace with the people around you, find your tribe to help you stay positive and supported. Find like-minded people in your community and start making friends with them. Build your relationships in a meaningful way.

There are all kinds of groups you can look for. First, identify what hobbies or activities you love most. For example, maybe you love to read books. Why not join a book club and start there. Or you may be a hiking lover. Why not join a hiking club in your community.

InsyaAllah, as you venture into more interesting activities in your life, Allah will open more doors for you to meet your potential spouse. 🙂

Step 2: Cultivating Self-Love and Nurturing Inner Worth

Indeed, We created humans in the best form. (At-Tin 95:4)

Allah said He created us, human beings in the best form. It means that we are inherently honoured and perfect in our creation.

Unfortunately, as we grew up in this imperfect dunya, raised by imperfect parents and loved ones, we may face certain traumas that lead us to develop some pretty detrimental limiting beliefs about ourselves.

We may feel as if we don’t deserve love or that there are some parts of us that are unlovable for no reason.

It is perfectly understandable. But no matter what happens, we must always go back to the teachings of the Quran and Sunnah to clean our hearts and rectify the past.

For example, if you have abusive parents, you can look to the story of Prophet Abraham a.s in how he lovingly dealt with his idol-worshiping father who even tried to kill him by throwing him into the fire. How did he deal with the trauma?

Or if you have abusive siblings. You can look at the story of Prophet Joseph a.s in how he dealt with his siblings when they plotted against him at such a young age. How did he deal with his trauma?

All these stories from the Quran are none other than lessons for us to learn and apply the teachings into our lives. They are not just mere fairytales. Let’s start dissecting them and extract the valuable lessons we can get from them. 🙂

As you embark on this journey to understand yourself better, practice loving yourself by appreciating all your unique qualities and treating yourself kindly.

Look at yourself in the mirror and start accepting every single part of you, the good, the bad, the ugly. Everything. And when you acknowledge yourself, be kind and gentle to yourself.

The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: `Allah is Kind and loves kindness, and He rewards for kindness in a way that He does not reward for harshness.’ (Musnad Ahmad)

Allah loves kindness and He expects you to be kind, even with yourself because you are His creation too.

As you look to your past, remember to accept yourself again, all your strengths and flaws included. We all made mistakes in the past and we have all sinned but Allah said the best of us are those who never lose hope in the mercy of Allah and come back to Him with repentance.

So, it’s okay. Accept every part of yourself, the past, present and future and just run back to Allah for forgiveness.

In every aspect of life, when we cultivate something, we need to actively maintain it. Kind of like taking care of a plant. As you sew the seeds into the ground, and you watch it grow day by day, when it finally grows into a beautiful plant, you need to maintain it and protect it from outside harm so that it can continue to flourish.

It’s similar when it comes to loving and taking care of ourselves. As you start to accept yourself exactly for who you are, you can start loving yourself by taking care of your physical and spiritual needs.

And when you start to see how you flourish into this beautiful and kind woman, you need to protect this beautiful soul that you have nourished.

“…the evil of the lurking whisperer—who whispers into the hearts of humankind—from among jinn and humankind.” (Surah An-Nas 114:4-6)

There are so many external and internal enemies that are just waiting to crush us and bring us back into the pits of despair. Allah says first and foremost, your biggest sworn enemy is the syaitan. And the devil that Allah is referring to is not just limited to the Jinn kind but also mankind.

Yes, did you know that sometimes humans can be considered syaitan too? Anyone who purposely tries to deviate you from the remembrance of Allah is in fact considered a syaitan according to the Quran. So, you need to be careful.

Now, I’m not saying you should start calling everyone syaitan but you should pay close attention when they start to divert you from the remembrance of Allah.

And ˹beware of˺ the Day the wrongdoer will bite his nails ˹in regret˺ and say, “Oh! I wish I had followed the Way along with the Messenger! Woe to me! I wish I had never taken so-and-so as a close friend. It was he who truly made me stray from the Reminder after it had reached me.” And Satan has always betrayed humanity. (Al-Furqan 25:27-29)

Allah said we would regret being friends with them when they turn against us on the day of judgment. So don’t be fooled. You need to be vigilant with the people you surround yourself with.

Practice setting healthy boundaries when you need to and maintain healthy relationships. Surround yourself with people who uplift and inspire you. These people are like the bright shining light, paving you the way to freedom as you go through the tunnel.

Keep them close and don’t let them go. Another way to recognize these people in your life is if they remind you of the mercy of Allah. That’s your true friend right there. 🙂

Step 3: Shifting Your Mindset and Energy for Love

Some of us grew up in households that may not have cultivated love in the right way. And that is okay because this world is never perfect. But as we move forward from here, we need to recognize how the lack of love in our upbringing has affected our outlook on love.

For example, a healthy relationship requires a high level of respect and open communication to prevent unnecessary petty arguments. When you go through the process of choosing a spouse, can you recognize the signs when your potential spouse may have trouble in his communication?

If you grew up with parents who had difficulty in communicating their needs to each other, you might find it natural to repeat the same relationship dynamic in your own future marriage.

It happens all the time. One way to recognize this is to learn more about healthy relationships. What do healthy relationships look like? How do they communicate with each other? How do they get their needs met in a respectful way?

You can look at the stories of Khadijah r.a and Rasulullah s.a.w on how they cultivated their love. I think their love stands the testament of time.

In order to receive the best love in your marriage, you need to change your mindset by letting go of negativity and believing you deserve love. If you hold on to any kind of negativity or limiting beliefs, it will become the lens that you see your future spouse through.

For example, you may be attracted to that handsome yet emotionally void man when healthy and kind-hearted men are all around you because you somehow believe that if you can fix this one tainted soul and get him to love you, you have somehow proved to yourself that you are worthy of love after all.

It is sad that this phenomenon is rather common in the marriage landscape.

But it’s okay, you can change for the better while you still can. 🙂

Shift your mindset and start believing that you deserve love. As you begin to love yourself and practice self-care, you will notice that you naturally radiate positive energy everywhere you go.

You will become more comfortable in your own skin and feel genuinely happy when you start to take care of yourself and find more activities that bring you joy.

I did not create jinn and humans except to worship Me. (Adh-Dhariyat 51:56)

Remember when your Lord said to the angels, “I am going to place a successive ˹human˺ authority on earth.” (Al-Baqarah 2:30)

Allah sent us on this earth to be his abid (slave) and khalifah (vicegerent). Being an abid, slave of Allah means you submit to Allah’s commands according to the Quran and Sunnah despite your whims and fancies.

And being a khalifah, vicegerent to Allah means you invite more people to submit to the commands of Allah. As simple as that. So when you start loving yourself and identifying more of your strengths and talents, use it to spread the deen of Allah as a token of appreciation.

Be grateful that Allah chose you to be on this straight path of Islam out of billions of people out there. Use the gifts and talents that Allah has given you to further touch souls and spread His deen.

Again, with anything precious, you need to protect and maintain it. When it comes to your iman (faith), you need to be intentional about the energy you surround yourself with. Find friends who remind you of Allah and genuinely want what is best for you in dunya and akhirah.

This kind of healthy atmosphere will further help you foster healthy relationships and personal growth insyaAllah.

Step 4: Honing Your Taaruf Skills with Authenticity and Boundaries

‘Umar reported the Prophet s.a.w as saying, “Whenever a man is alone with a woman the devil makes a third.” (Tirmidhi)

Taaruf is the process of getting to know a potential spouse the Islamic way. It’s very much like dating but in a halal way where your mahram (guardian) has to be present at all times to prevent syaitan from intervening.

You can ask all kinds of questions to your potential spouse and even spend time doing activities that will help you get to know each other better before tying the knot.

In this taaruf process, it is important that you be authentic and true to yourself at all times. Don’t try to hide important details about yourself because it can backfire once you tie the knot.

For example, if you hate cooking and don’t wish to cook much in your marriage but you don’t dare say it thinking it will deter your prospect, you may find yourself in trouble when he sees you as the traditional wife and expects you to cook every single meal of the day after tying the knot.

Being authentic with each other will help you and your potential spouse get to know each other on a deeper level beyond the superficialities. You need to lay out all your expectations of marriage on the table.

Well-intended loved ones may suggest ways that you can present a better front to your future spouse. If it further shows your authentic self then it’s okay. But if it goes against your values a.k.a what you believe in, then don’t compromise.

People’s expectations of you should not dictate your decisions. You should stand firm with your values because when your marriage gets into difficulties, you will be the one facing it, everyone else will just be looking on the sidelines as always.

In most cases, there will be people who will try to convince you to go against your values. When this happens, set clear boundaries with them and define your limits but remain respectful and calm at all times. Tell them to respect your decisions because Islam does not allow anyone to force a woman into marriage, not even her guardian.

Plus, the only way you can attract the right kind of love is if you are being yourself, your true authentic self. A therapist once described it in colors. If you are a white on the inside, don’t showcase yourself as a red on the outside because then only men who are attracted to red will be attracted to you.

Get it? Maybe that’s where the term ‘show your true colors’ came from. 🙂

Step 5: Building a Supportive Community of Like-Minded Individuals

O humanity! Indeed, We created you from a male and a female, and made you into peoples and tribes so that you may ˹get to˺ know one another. Surely the most noble of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous among you. Allah is truly All-Knowing, All-Aware. (Al-Hujurat 49:13)

We are human beings who need each other to not only survive but to thrive. Our friends and family can help us provide that safe and nurturing environment for us to nurture our souls.

If you feel lonely, that just means you need more social interactions from meaningful relationships in your life. Why don’t you go out and start connecting with others who share your values and dreams.

For example, if you are looking to improve your Quran learning or increase your knowledge in deen, you can enrol in Islamic classes around your area to connect with like-minded Muslimahs who share the same goals in their personal development.

You will gain lots more inspiration and support from good people in this positive atmosphere. You can also seek out local organizations or online Islamic communities that provide support for single Muslimahs going through this stage of finding a spouse.

They can connect you to the right mentors or teachers who can help you get through this rather difficult and lonely phase. 🙂 It is never a good idea to go isolate yourself from your community.

There will always be people who are willing to help you if you only reach out to them. When you surround yourself with people who understand your journey, you will feel more supported and loved insyaAllah.

It will help you stay positive in your search for a spouse and allow you to have a more positive outlook on love insyaAllah. Making new friends and being involved in your community will give you the opportunity to celebrate successes and navigate challenges together so you will never feel alone.

Allah created us all different and unique so that we may get to know one another and celebrate our differences. Engage with one another and create more meaningful friendships.

That may even be the quickest way for you to find for potential spouse. 🙂

Conclusion

Allah does not burden any soul with more than it can bear… (Al-Baqarah 2:286)

Allah is immensely merciful. He will not put you in situations you could not handle. You may still have a long journey ahead in finding love and marital bliss, but with any trial in life, hold on to the rope of Allah for strength and keep taking care and nurture yourself as best you can.

And hold firmly to the rope of Allāh all together and do not become divided. And remember the favor of Allāh upon you… (Ali Imran 3:103)

In due time insyaAllah, Allah will bring you your husband at the perfect time and place according to His divine plans. Your story is a unique one. One day, you will look back to this day and be proud of yourself for remaining steadfast and faithful when Allah tests you in these lonely and difficult times.

Do not be disheartened, my dear sister. Keep being your true self and allow yourself to create the life you desire. Allah created us in this life with a specific purpose to worship Him and spread the message of Islam to the world.

Take up that challenge and start your self-love journey today. In the end, remember that you are the author of your own story. Write it with love, authenticity, and unwavering belief in your own worth.

May Allah put barakah in all your efforts in pleasing Him and may He grant you a loving spouse to accompany you in your life journey ahead. Ameen.

Love & Salam,

Umm Maryam.

Any good from this article is from Allah and any evil is from the shaytaan and me. May Allah forgive our shortcomings in practicing His deen.

Wa billahi tawfeeq wa hidayah

(All successes come from Allah and His guidance).