THE KHALIFAH DIARIES Be The Best Muslimah For Allah SWT

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

And We created you in pairs… (An-Naba 78:8)

Do you know the signs that you are not ready for marriage? Well I’m here to enlighten you.

Despite the high expectations we have about marriage, being in a marriage per se won’t make you happy and solve all your problems. (Sorry for the tough love)

If you go into marriage having this expectation, it will crush you to pieces because you are attaching yourself to an imperfect soul who will inevitably make lots of mistakes just like you will down the line.

I get it, we have all these lofty and dreamy expectations of marriage because we want to believe so badly that somehow true happiness can be achieved by finding our ‘soulmate’ – the one person who Allah made to accompany us through this life.

But it doesn’t work that way. Rather, marriage will only work if two healthy and whole (already happy) individuals come together to create something much bigger than the both of them – a healthy family.

It is very important that you first take the time to love yourself and explore who you really are before you rush into marriage, because marriage is a VERY big commitment. Even I didn’t realize how BIG of a commitment it is when I got married at the age of 22. 

Yes, I was the typical girl who wanted to marry as early as I could to start my family as soon as possible because I’ve always wanted a big family – 7 kids to be exact. But Allah knew I wasn’t ready so He gave me 5 years before I got pregnant with my first child. 

They planned, but Allah also planned. And Allah is the best of planners. (Al-Anfal 8:30)

So you see, Allah’s plans will always supersede yours. No matter how much you plan for your life, only Allah knows what is best for you and only He has the power to make things happen for you.

Despite all the faulty mindsets I had and the immaturity I brought into my marriage, I’m so grateful that Allah protected me from the one mistake that could ruin my decision of choosing the right spouse, and that is choosing my husband based on the Quran and Sunnah.

Your nafs (soul/desires) is your first battlefield. If you are victorious over it, then you will find the other battlefields easier.

Hassan Al-Banna

I didn’t follow my nafs or desires when I was choosing my husband, instead I carefully followed what Allah and Prophet Muhammad SAW prescribed – to choose a man with good character and someone who sincerely worships Allah because he understands his role as a slave of Allah and Khalifah on earth. 

Despite what everyone says at the time.

As a result, he was able to stay patient with me and accompany me through all my series of immaturity over the years. I am forever grateful for that, Alhamdulillah. But you don’t have to go through what I did. 

You can fix your mindset and attitude from now on so that you and your future husband can start off on a much more beautiful note – with enough maturity, understanding and the right mindset to make the marriage work. 

Because I was rather immature when I got married, there were many unnecessary and ‘ugly’ arguments my husband and I had to go through in order to solve our marriage problems.

Again, this can easily be avoided if I had developed the right maturity, mindset and expectations going into marriage. 

But having said that, I don’t regret a thing. Alhamdulillah, looking back at the ups and downs in my marriage, those were the moments that made me and my husband develop the unwavering trust and patience we have for each other today, Alhamdulillah. 

So, whatever your marriage journey may be, I hope by sharing with you this insight on ‘15 signs you are not ready for marriage’ will help you get started on the right track and bring your true self in your future marriage insyaAllah.

Let’s get started!

15 Signs you are not ready for Marriage

1. You don’t know how to take care of yourself

O son of Adam, devote yourself to My worship, and I will fill your heart with contentment and take care of your poverty; but if you do not do that, then I will fill your heart with worldly concerns and will not take care of your poverty. (Hassan, Sunan Ibn Majah 4107)

Taking care of yourself is a HUGE part of what makes your future marriage work. You need to continue taking care of yourself spiritually, physically, mentally and emotionally.

When things get rough, like you have a misunderstanding with your husband or conflicts arise, you need to be able to continue taking care of yourself and maintaining your sense of ‘sanity’ without breaking down.

Always turn back to Allah for guidance, He will help you through insyaAllah.

Same goes to your husband, he needs to know how to meet his own needs first despite what you bring to the table. This will make you both a powerful couple insyaAllah.

2. You don’t know the roles of a husband and wife

Men are the caretakers of women, as men have been provisioned by Allah over women and tasked with supporting them financially. (An-Nisa 4:34)

There are specific guidelines Allah has laid out for the roles of a husband and wife. In a nutshell, a husband needs to know that he is the ‘Qawwam’ protector and maintainer of women. 

And righteous women are devoutly obedient and, when alone, protective of what Allah has entrusted them with. (An-Nisa 4:34)

And a wife needs to know that she is to be an obedient, faithful and compassionate companion to her husband and meet his needs in certain ways. 

Without proper knowledge of your roles as husband and wife, you will not be able to fulfil your roles and meet each other’s needs in the marriage.

It’s like applying for a job position without first knowing your responsibilities for the job.

3. You don’t know the purpose of marriage

“Marriage is part of my sunnah, and whoever does not follow my sunnah has nothing to do with me. Get married, for I will boast of your great numbers before the nations. Whoever has the means, let him get married, and whoever does not, then he should fast for it will diminish his desire.”

Prophet Muhammad SAW (Sunan Ibn Majah 1846)

In the bigger scheme of things, a marriage is the basic institution that makes up a family and later on the society at large. If every marriage is healthy, the society at large will be healthy and vice versa. 

So it’s important to understand the bigger impact a marriage has on our society. Statistics today show that marriages are still crumbling, this will inevitably create a ripple effect as children who grow up in broken families have a higher tendency to develop certain problems mentally and physically.

4. You haven’t establish a strong relationship with Allah

As for those who believe and do good, the Most Compassionate will certainly bless them with genuine love. (Maryam 19:96)

This one is incredibly important. Most of the time, your strong relationship with Allah is most likely the ONLY thing that can strengthen your love between you and your husband. And I believe it is one of the biggest purposes of marriage to begin with. 

Allah wants you to love His creations but at the same time be detached from them because your spouse is merely a temporary ‘lending’ from Allah just like everything else He has given you in your life.

He can take it away from you at any moment in your life. You see people lose their loved ones all the time. In a marriage, Allah can use your husband (the person you will most likely be attached to due to all your expectations of him) as a way to detach yourself from mankind by putting trials in your marriage and showing how imperfect your husband is. 

Once you come to realize that your husband is imperfect and he will not be able to meet all your needs, you will start to turn back to Allah and rely on Him instead. That is when you pass Allah’s test. 

5. You don’t respect others

 You do not do evil to those who do evil to you, but you deal with them with forgiveness and kindness. 

Prophet Muhammad SAW (Sahih al-Bukhari 2125)

This is a BIG one. Respect is undeniably one of the biggest components that make up a happy marriage. If you are not already respecting the people in your life, you will most likely have a hard time respecting your spouse when he has a fallout and he’s at his lowest points. 

6. You haven’t discovered your true identity

If Allah helps you, none can defeat you. But if He denies you help, then who else can help you? So in Allah let the believers put their trust. (Ali Imran 3:160)

Everyone has an identity. It doesn’t mean you stay the same for the rest of your life and never grow.

It means that you truly understand who you are today, what your purpose in life is and you can confidently say that ‘I choose to be this person’.

This is who I am. No one forced me to be who I am today.

I am doing what I believe is right and what I love. I understand my personality and I am confident in who I am.

7. You don’t fight fair

And if two groups of believers fight each other, then make peace between them. (Al-Hujurat 49:9)

We’ve all been in arguments before. How do you handle those arguments? Do you keep grudges, yell at each other, and try to win every time? Or are you able to be fair, be level headed and fight fair?

It’s important that you master this skill of fighting fair because it will be one of the skills you’d really have to use often in your marriage. I know you may not believe me right now, when I say you will have lots of fights with your husband but trust me, they will come.

You have to understand that happy marriages don’t necessarily mean they don’t have fights, they have just as many fights as unhappy couples, the difference is they are always able to fight fair and continue to love and forgive despite all the messy arguments. 

That’s the key to true love.

8. You run from conflicts

“When will Allah’s help come?” Indeed, Allah’s help is always near. (Al-Baqarah 2:214)

If you’re the kind of person who hates conflict, and is always running from them or sweeping them under the rug, you have to start confronting them.

Hiding issues in your marriage will foster resentment more than the growth of bacteria. I’m telling you, don’t hide your issues. Whatever you don’t like or are having trouble with in your marriage, you need to be able to communicate it clearly and gently to your husband so that both of you can find the right solution for it. 

It’s easy once you’ve become comfortable with each other. But it takes practice, mutual understanding and an open heart. Sometimes, we immediately assume the worst before even discussing the issue, and that’s a big mistake.

Always give your partner the benefit of the doubt, hear out his perspective and then come up with the right solutions moving forward.

9. You are not happy in life

“Happy is he whose life is long and whose deeds are good, that you should leave the world with the mention of God fresh on your tongue.” (Ahmad & Tirmidhi, Mishkat al-Masabih 2270)

Are you genuinely happy with your life right now? You need to be able to say that if you don’t get married anytime soon, you’d still be okay with it because you genuinely have an amazing life going on for you. 

When you’re not constantly in desperate mode to find your true love, in a miraculous way, your dream man will come popping right into your life insyaAllah. That’s how I found my husband. I was open to the idea of marriage but I was also very active in my work, hobbies and everything I love to do.

One fine day, we met each other, decided that we like each other and proceeded with marriage. It’s really that simple.

So, be genuinely happy and healthy in your life. InsyaAllah, that’s how you’ll attract an equally awesome guy who will have everything going for him. 🙂

10. You can’t distinguish between right and wrong

O believers! You are accountable only for yourselves. It will not harm you if someone chooses to deviate—as long as you are rightly guided. To Allah you will all return, and He will inform you of what you used to do. (Al-Maidah 5:105)

You need to have rules in your life. What you believe is right and wrong. These are the things that you will and will not tolerate because you will be accountable for your actions in the hereafter.

Everyone has their own ‘mini guidelines’ on things they will and will not tolerate. You need to be super clear about them. From the smallest mundane things, to the biggest decisions in your life.

The right man will be attracted to you because of them and he will cherish that you are a badass wife because of it. 

11. You let others step on you

“The strong believer is better and more beloved to Allah than the weak believer, although both are good. Strive for that which will benefit you, seek the help of Allah, and do not feel helpless…” (Sahih, Sunan Ibn Majah 79)

Well, this is kind of the opposite of loving yourself. Someone who truly loves and values themselves will not allow anyone to step on them or drag them around. What do I mean by this? Do you find yourself, following everyone’s decisions without consulting yourself? 

Do you have a hard time standing up for yourself and doing what feels right to you, despite what everyone else thinks? Then you need to start working on those ‘love muscles’ right now girl. 

Married life can sometimes be a constant battle field. I don’t mean to scare you but you really have to be comfortable standing up for yourself because no one else is going to do it for you. Not even your husband. He may love you to bits but he has so many other things going on around him.

You need to be an equally strong partner to withstand some storms.

12. You don’t value yourself

So compete with one another in doing good… (Al-Baqarah 2:148)

Do you believe that you are precious and that you have every right to do amazing things in this world? If so then you are most likely valuing yourself. 

You need to feel it in your core that you are a beautiful being created by Allah to do great things on this earth. Nothing is off limits as long as you follow the guidelines from the Quran and Sunnah. 

You can be a painter, writer, artist and anything you want to be as long as you’re doing it for the sake of Allah and to better the ummah. 🙂

13. You define your worth based on external things

Indeed, We have dignified the children of Adam, carried them on land and sea, granted them good and lawful provisions, and privileged them far above many of Our creatures. (Al-Isra 17:70)

Your worth comes from the fact that you are a human being created by Allah, The Al-Mighty. That’s it. It doesn’t matter what skin color you have, whether you’re single, married, divorced or what status you belong to in society, none of that matters to Allah. 

If you define your worth by how happy your marriage is later on or how good your life is, your sense of worthiness will be going through a roller coaster ride because life is always uncertain, my friend.

Instead, put your trust in Allah and know that you are worthy because you are His remarkable creation already. 🙂

Verily Allah does not look to your faces and your wealth but He looks to your heart and to your deeds. (Sahih Muslim 2564c)

Allah only looks at your iman and taqwa (consciousness of Allah) that you have in your heart and the sincere good deeds you’ve done for His sake. So as long as you are striving to be the best Muslimah you can be for Him each day, insyaAllah, you are worthy to Him.

Don’t define your worth based on your job, level of intelligence, looks or anything external because it can be taken away by Allah at any moment. It was not yours to begin with. 

14. You care too much about what people think

“Hold yourselves accountable before you are held accountable and evaluate yourselves before you are evaluated, for the Reckoning will be easier upon you tomorrow if you hold yourselves accountable today.”

Umar Al-Khattab (Muḥāsabat al-Nafs 2)

Are you living your life on your terms? It’s important to be an authentic person and always stay true to who you are. 

This is because if you are not currently being your authentic self, you may be attracting a man who doesn’t love the real you, he may just like the person you are ‘portraying’ to him.

Once you show him who you really are after marriage, he may fall out of love with you. 

So, relax, just be yourself. The right man will love you exactly the way you are. 

15. You can’t stand being alone

O believers! Be mindful of Allah and let every soul look to what deeds it has sent forth for tomorrow. And fear Allah, for certainly Allah is All-Aware of what you do. (Al-Hashr 59:18)

It doesn’t matter if you are an introvert or an extrovert, we all have times that we have to be alone and enjoy our own company. If you can’t stand being alone AT ALL, then there is a problem. 

You might be running away from yourself, or a part of yourself that has been traumatized or bruised in the past. Look into yourself and try to find the source of your fears, it will help you heal insyaAllah. 

Journaling your thoughts and feelings can help your journey in healing. It’s important that you heal the painful parts of yourself so that you can truly become your best self again. 

Life will continue to throw many things at us, it is our responsibility to take care of ourselves and heal our past wounds so that we can move on to the next phase in life. 

In this case, if you want to get married, you’d want to be in your best state as you choose the right life partner. Or else, your mind might be clouded by all your past hurts and you will attract a man who has unresolved wounds too.

You will definitely not make the ideal couple. Let’s just put it that way. 😉

Final thoughts on the signs you are not yet ready for marriage

If you have some of these signs, don’t panic. It just means you need to continue working on yourself. We are all on our journey to betterment.

I’m just sharing these tips with you so that you can have a better and brighter marriage in the future insyaAllah. 

All the best, love.

Salam,

Aimi