THE KHALIFAH DIARIES Be The Best Muslimah For Allah SWT

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

“Marriage is part of my sunnah, and whoever does not follow my sunnah has nothing to do with me.”

Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) (Sunan Ibn Majah)

Marriage is a beautiful matter in Islam, hence Prophet Muhammad SAW encouraged every single one of us to get married. Even so, the process of choosing ‘The One’ to get married to can be a rather tricky process. Even though Islam has given us specific guidelines and criteria to look out for when choosing a spouse, there is still the issue of compatibility. 

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Compatibility in my dictionary means he has to be capable of creating intimacy with you on the deepest level, more so than any other relationship you’ll ever have with anyone else. And this does not just mean sexual intimacy, it includes spiritual intimacy, emotional intimacy and more.

When a man is truly aligned with his wife in this way, it creates that deep sense of comfort and longing that we crave in a love relationship.

That’s when people call their husbands their best friend, their soulmate or anything of the like, but the notion is the same – he has a kind of deep and special intimacy with her that she gets only from him.

He is the One Who created you from a single soul, then from it made its spouse so he may find comfort in her. (Surah Al-A’raf, 7:189) (This ayah is about Adam AS and Eve but it applies to us too of course 🙂 )

And that is supposed to be the way! 

Unfortunately, looking at the Muslim marriage landscape, I feel like many of us tend to settle for men who are not truly compatible with us just because he checks all the boxes in the major Islamic criteria, ie. has good character, prays 5 times a day and has good means to provide for you etc. (though this is hard enough to find, sob sob 😢 )

While it’s vital that he meets ALL the major Islamic criteria, I personally feel that it’s not enough to have a truly happy and thriving marriage. Sure, you can probably have a decent marriage where you respect each other as humans and get along well, but to develop a deep love for one another, you need to connect on a – dare I say – soul level.

So, today I’d like to share with you 8 of my personal criteria when it comes to choosing a man who will have a very special spot in your heart – your husband.

1. He makes you feel safe + at ease

Your spouses are a garment for you as you are for them. (Surah Al-Baqarah, 2:187)

Just like a garment, it keeps you warm and safe. You need to find a husband who gives you that warm and fuzzy feeling 😉

Even without knowing him thoroughly in the beginning stages of Taaruf, you can still feel this every time he is with you. You can observe him in the way he speaks to others, the way he acts around old people, the way he is around his friends etc. 

Does the way he carries himself and who he is makes you feel safe and secure to the core? Or do you feel like there are some parts of him that make you feel anxious or even worried?

It’s important that you feel truly safe and at ease around him because this is how you will feel once you are married to him for the rest of your life. You are sort of locking in on your default ‘feeling temperature’ for the rest of your life.

2. You can be vulnerable with him

This is something you should do AFTER marriage but it’s important that you can see yourself being totally vulnerable with him about every aspect of your life. This is the SECRET that builds trust and an unbreakable bond between you and your husband. InsyaAllah.

Observe his communication skills and the way he understands the world. When you marry him, do you think he is smart enough to understand and be able to empathize with you when you share your deepest secrets with him after marriage?

Throughout my 4 years of marriage, my husband has gone through so many of my deepest and darkest emotions. Patiently listening and lovingly dissecting all my scariest thoughts and emotions with me. I honestly don’t know who I will be today without his love and guidance. (Alhamdulillah, may Allah bless him with Jannah)

While Allah is our No.1 source of comfort, He created us with a deep sense of companionship and belonging. So needing a partner who is able to understand you on the deepest level is perfectly understandable. You need to have that kind of soul-level bond with your husband. 

That was the beauty of Prophet Muhammad SAW and Khadijah RA’s love relationship. Prophet Muhammad SAW cherished Khadijah RA and remembered her often even years after her death because of the strong bond they had with each other. 

Related: 6 Inspiring Traits Of Khadijah R.A That Rasulullah SAW Loved Most

3. He notices your beautiful quirks

Men are attracted to us firstly through visual stimulation (very superficial). Unlike us, they don’t need to search our souls to know that they are attracted to us and want to be with us. In order to get past that visual attraction and see whether he is truly compatible with you on a deeper level, see if he notices the hidden traits about you that are not so obvious to everyone else.

After a few Taaruf sessions, you can ask him for the ‘5 top things that he loves most about you’. 

For example, he may say…

• I love how passionate you are about sustainability
• I love how you always bring a book with you everywhere you go
• I love the way you talk to older folks
• I love your minimalistic and modest style

Make sure you love all of his answers. We pay attention to things that matter to us and are dear to our hearts. So if he is serious about you, he’ll be able to come up with some remarkable things about you insyaAllah. 

4. You admire his leadership

Men are natural leaders. Even with the changing dynamics of modern couples, Allah has ordained that men should be the leader of the household.

Men are the caretakers of women, as men have been provisioned by Allah over women and tasked with supporting them financially. (Surah An-Nisa, 4:34)

The question is, will he be the right leader for you?

Some women are completely fine with a leader who is disciplined and plays by the book, whereas others might want a more flexible and playful type of leader. Look out for all the traits that you admire about him, and figure out if they are enough for you to respect him and be a loyal and subservient wife to him for the rest of your life.

This is important because it determines your entitlement to get to Jannah as a married woman. If it is not enough for you to admire him right now, don’t get married. It will be hard for you to respect him, what more love him when you embark on more significant endeavors in the future.

5. He respects your boundaries

This one is VERY important. He needs to be very sensitive to all your boundaries and preferences. It shows that he truly values you. For example, when you say you hate waiting on people, he makes sure to be on time every time he meets you. 

Honestly, these good worthy men who truly love their women will be willing to move mountains for them, but with one condition – she appreciates him and does not take advantage of him.

When you do your part, you’ll be surprised what he can do for you insyaAllah. 🙂

6. There is nothing that you want to change about him (fundamentally)

Out of all the points on this list, this one is my favorite. 

Ideally, you’d want a man whom you don’t feel the need to change ANYTHING about him at all but this is almost impossible since no one is perfect. So, focus on his fundamentals, that’s good enough. 🙂

The fundamentals here refer to everything that makes up who he is at his core – his values, character, personality, beliefs about Islam and outlook on life etc. Never ever compromise in this area or you will have a massive headache after marriage.

When it comes to the non-fundamentals, for example, you don’t quite like his sense of style or his food preferences are a little bit weird. Be flexible about it because you can always help him out with that after marriage. 

Personally, when I was getting to know my husband, there was nothing I wanted to change about him. We were both from humble backgrounds, with many imperfections therefore we just needed to grow together from where we started. 

Since everyone has their own imperfections, find someone who compliments your imperfections, that way you’ll be able to understand each other’s struggles and grow together lovingly insyaAllah. 🙂

7. He brings out the best in you

This should be a natural thing. As you spend more time with him and have more conversations with him, does he do any of these?…

• Make you feel more motivated to chase after your dreams
• Help you get out of your comfort zone 
• Point out parts of you that you may have forgotten but are completely unique and lovable

You want a man who will bring out the best in you because you will be spending a huge part of your life with this man after marriage. If he doesn’t bring out the best in you, he will either a) drag you down with him or b) be a wasted potential of a partner where you both just ‘exist’ because no one is influencing each other to betterment.

You deserve better. What you need is a man on his way to the top and he’s bringing you with him. 😉

8. He’s a natural with your family

If you love your current family dynamics and you’d like to build your own family with mostly similar values, you should find a man who fits well into your family. It shows that he shares most of the major beliefs and values that make up your family’s ‘identity’.

On the other hand, if you are from an unhappy broken family (no judgment), you’d want a man who is sort of the opposite of what your family looks like. Imagine your ideal family in your mind and find a man who fits into THAT family.

Know that you deserve your own beautiful family in the future insyaAllah. Work hard on improving yourself. InsyaAllah, a good worthy man would be attracted to your best self. From here, you can get married and become a power couple to take on the world! (muah ha ha.. *insert gennie-like laughter here*. I’m kidding 😀 )

So those are the 8 most important indicators that I personally used when choosing my husband. 🙂 I hope they will benefit you when you’re choosing your spouse. Ameen!

Final say on choosing an awesome spouse

Choosing a life partner is probably the most nerve-wracking thing you’ll have to do in your life but it doesn’t have to be that difficult.

The most important thing is to know what you want, what kind of future you want to build for yourself and believe in every fiber of your being that you deserve it insyaAllah. 🙂

Make plenty of duas and never leave out Allah in your decision-making. 😉

Till next time, lots of love. Salam!

Aimi

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Any good from this article is from Allah and any evil is from the shaytaan and me. May Allah forgive our shortcomings in practicing His deen.

Wa billahi tawfeeq wa hidayah

(All successes come from Allah and His guidance).