THE KHALIFAH DIARIES Be The Best Muslimah For Allah SWT

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

You’ve probably heard this a million times – Marriage is hard work. Just how much hard work are we talking about exactly? After 4 years of being in a loving and satisfying marriage (Alhamdulillah), I can say that it requires a lot of healing and self-development to make a marriage work. 

Imagine getting 2 complete strangers from totally different backgrounds to come together and live happily ever after. Isn’t that the scariest thing you’ve ever heard?

Let me tell you a little bit about my marriage. I married at the early age of 22, and my husband was 31 back in 2017. Yes, watch your step because there’s a huge “Gap” between us. 😉 With the huge age difference (9 years to be exact), my husband is naturally more mature in most of our marriage dealings. If I get into petty arguments like who needs to do the chores or suddenly getting emotional out of the blue, he’ll set me straight. 

Fast forward to today, I would say I’m a completely new and better person, Alhamdulillah. I guess you really do get what you wish for when you set the intention. Before I got married, I told Allah that I needed to work on myself, there were parts of me that I wasn’t proud of and was willing to work on them no matter what it takes (even if it means getting into a marriage). And so, Allah gave me a stable and wholesomely mature husband to help me navigate through my 20s. 🙂 Alhamdulillah.

Undoubtedly, getting into a loving marriage is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. So, I’d like to share with you some insights from my marriage that will hopefully help you to better understand the deeper dynamics of how a marriage works. 🙂

Whether you’re single and looking for love or is already married and want to improve your marriage, I hope this helps you understand the hidden gems in marriages insyaAllah.

Let’s get to it.

1. Your husband has weaknesses

Sometimes, we forget that our husbands are human beings too (at least I did in the beginning 😉 ). With our high and unrealistic expectations, we can forget that our husbands are just normal people like you and me. He has bad days, bad moods, bad habits and a whole bunch of annoying things. 

When you allow yourself to accept your husband’s weaknesses and see him for all of his ‘humanness’, you’ll be able to move on from there and help each other reach your highest potentials. I’m not asking you to tolerate bad behavior though, you should definitely set boundaries if he disrespects or treats you badly in any way. 

What I mean by weakness is, he may not be the best at doing certain house chores, so teach him. When you get into arguments, maybe he’s not the best person at reconciling or making amendments, forgive him. You know, those little things that matter.

When you help each other in compensating for your weaknesses, soon you will find yourself in an immensely loving relationship in sha Allah. This is because you have built a strong pillar of trust in your marriage. Your husband knows that he can count on you and you too can count on him. Both of you will build a marriage where you don’t feel insecure about your weaknesses with each other. 🙂

This is how you build a strong marriage. 🙂

Usually, Allah will pair you up with someone who has your strengths as their weaknesses. That’s why they say “opposites attract”. You find people with contrasting different personalities yet they can live happily together. Why is that? The answer is they complement each other on their weaknesses.

“Your spouses are a garment for you as you are for them” – [Quran 2:187]

So, set your standards high, but remember that you are married to a normal human being who has weaknesses and his own shortcomings. The best way to build a strong marriage is to pardon each other and compensate for each other’s weaknesses. 🙂

2. Marriage is heart-work

I can’t even begin to explain. This point is so true! Marriage is ALL about how you keep your heart clean and continue to improve your character and personal development through improving the condition of your heart.

When you marry for the sake of Allah and have a spouse who is equally in love with Allah, you will find yourself constantly going back to your heart and intentions in order to make the marriage work. 

Our Prophet SAW said: “Verily Allah does not look to your bodies nor to your faces but He looks to your hearts,” and he pointed towards the heart with his fingers. – [Muslim]

As I said, when I married my husband, I had the right intention, to improve myself and grow closer to Allah. What I find really interesting in my marriage is, whenever my husband and I get into a disagreement or misunderstanding, 1) it is almost always because one of us or both of us is not in the right heart-set (we’re not connected to Allah) and 2) every argument will ALWAYS be solved when both of us reconnect our hearts to Allah and purify our intentions. 

Amazing right?

That is the perk of marrying a pious man, there’s no room for you to be disconnected from Allah. As soon as your heart strays from remembering Allah, it takes a toll on your marriage – something always goes wrong.

3. Marriage will make you grow into a new You

In life, you cannot grow and become the wisest or the best version of yourself without going through a series of life-changing events and challenges. They are the very thing that shapes our thinking, personality and overall identity.

Marriage is undoubtedly one of the biggest life-altering experiences anyone will ever go through in life. It will definitely change you. The question is… into what? A better or a worse version of yourself?

That’s what you have to keep in mind when choosing a spouse or while navigating your marriage (If you’re already married). 🙂

Based on my personal experience, I can honestly say the person I was before marriage is drastically different from the person I am today. I’m a lot more calm, level-headed and mature in all areas of my life Alhamdulillah. 

Without marriage, I doubt I would have the qualities I have today. The empathy, wisdom, patience and all the necessary character that was built through enduring a series of tests (events) in my marriage allowed me to develop these qualities on a deeper level. 

You will have a much better understanding of how the world works and how to better deal with intricate human psychology because you’ve mastered the art with your husband. InsyaAllah 🙂

I’m not saying everyone will reach this level though. If you truly handle your marriage the right way and are willing to work on yourself in order to make your marriage work, you will have an immensely fulfilling marriage in sha Allah. 

4. Marriage keeps you ‘safe’

This is provided that you marry the right man who fears Allah more than anything else. If this is true for you, you will have a husband who will go above and beyond to make you happy insyaAllah. 

He will not be selfish and is willing to diminish his own ego just so you can have the best marriage you deserve with him. If you don’t know yet, men have VERY very huge egos that are demons living inside of them. They have to constantly fight their egos to be right, to be dominant and to be in control… all. the. time. 

This makes them prone to hurting others and being insensible in almost all areas of life. On the flip side, if your husband is holding on to the rope of Allah, he can make you feel like the safest person on earth. InsyaAllah.

And hold firmly to the rope of Allah all together and do not become divided. – [Quran 3:103]

How does this work? 

When your man is an Allah-fearing man, He knows that how he treats you will be judged by Allah on the day of judgment. In other words, he has iman and taqwa.

The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: “The best of you is the best to his wives, and I am the best of you to my wives.”  – [Tirmidhi]

It is extremely hard for men to lower their egos to their women. That is exactly why the Prophet said that “THE BEST of you are the best to your wives”. I can’t tell you how many times I acted out, disrespected my husband and treated him badly but with everything that I did (when I was younger), he never did the same to me, get even or hurt me in any way.

That is what I mean by him keeping you safe. He will never treat you wrong insyaAllah. 🙂

5. Marriage gives you endless rewards

“No man earns anything better than that which he earns with his own hands, and what a man spends on himself, his wife, his child and his servant, then it is charity.” – [Ibn Majah]

A woman is not obligated to earn any money to support the family, that’s your husband’s job. But what you do for your family in your own way will be a charity for them. This means you get rewarded for it. 

Allah constantly reminds us to give charity to good causes and to the people around us. When you’re in a marriage, you are automatically doing charity every single day. You are set for life. 🙂

“…Truly, Allah does reward the charitable.” – [Quran 12:88]

The rewards in your ‘reward account’ is accumulated every day without you having to think about it. If you are single, maybe you live with your parents or alone, you’re not necessarily responsible for anyone but yourself. 

But when you are married, every day is an opportunity for you to do charity and reap the rewards with your spouse insyaAllah.

6. You marry into his family too

Your husband’s family is close to your husband just like you are close to your family. Everything is connected you see. When you marry your husband, automatically anything and everything that is related to his family is your business as well. 

You need to know how his parents are doing, what’s the latest update on his siblings, how his relatives are doing etc. They are just like your own family, therefore you need to love them just as your own.

7. Your connection with Allah determines your connection with each other

This is somewhat like my earlier point but I want to emphasize that Allah should be at the center of your marriage. No matter what problems come your way, be it in the marriage or outside of the marriage, your ‘wifi’ connection to Allah should be super strong because that’s the biggest determinant that keeps your marriage strong. 

Sure, if Allah doesn’t care about you, He can let you live in ignorance for as long as He wants. But if Allah loves you, you will find that things just never get better when you are disconnected to Him.

So, if you find yourself being distant from your husband, or you constantly get on each other’s nerves, try to strengthen your connection with Allah SWT first before you try to connect with him. He is the One who holds our hearts, He can solve ANY problem we will ever have in our lives.

Allah says in the Quran,

Know that Allah intervenes between man and his heart. – [Quran 8:24]

8. Marriage will make you a Patience expert

I used to hate it when people advised me to be patient in my marriage. How can I be patient when he’s doing this and that? Or not doing this and that?…

Sometimes, the very reason Allah paired you up with that kind of person (aka your husband) is for you to develop the level of patience and sincerity you never knew you had.

I can’t quite explain it. It’s a whole different level. And it is dangerous. If you don’t get through this test, you might not stay married. It will test how sincere you are in upholding Allah’s religion and how badly you want your marriage to work. It is torturous! If you’re not ready for this, DON’T get into marriage.

Allah SWT will test you in all sorts of difficulties – ie. family drama, financial difficulty, sickness, loss of loved ones etc. You will have to endure major events with your spouse. 

The good thing is, if you have an amazing spouse, he will be a strong pillar in your life that will help you get through these difficulties. In other words, you will be the best teammates to face life challenges together. 

But if he’s NOT your best team player, he can be the very source of the problem, so you should really be careful when choosing your future spouse, it will determine a major part of your happiness in the future. 🙂

9. There will be no escape from your wrong-doings

I hate this one. No matter what you do, everything will be reflected on your marriage. When you see a happily married couple who have been married for years, rest assured that they worked for that and they deserve it. 

This is because happy marriages give you no room to deliberately make mistakes, you learn from them and you move on. Each and every one of your decisions WILL  affect your marriage and you will be held accountable for it.

It’s like being in a business partnership, if one partner does something wrong, it can majorly affect the business. Make one BIG mistake, the next thing you know, you’re out of business.

That’s why people who don’t constantly improve and grow into the best versions of themselves usually end up in divorce. This is simply because marriage does not give you the chance to stay stagnant in life, you have responsibilities and people to take care of.

If you don’t take the challenge seriously, you won’t be able to handle it. That is why it comes with big rewards too. A happy marriage is immensely fulfilling because you grow with every challenge you take and become a much better person as a result. 🙂

10. Your emotions in experiences are magnified

If you think you’ve had the most fun being single, you don’t know what you’re missing. 🙂 I do miss my single days too, but this is different. When you have a loving spouse, you share the best moments of your life with the person you love most. It’s the best feeling ever. 

If your marriage is healthy, you will feel excited about the future. You can’t wait to start a new family, have your own house, build your own business empire etc. because you naturally anticipate more fun and meaningful events with the love of your life.

On the contrary, if your marriage is unhealthy, it will be the death of you. I don’t have to be a marriage counselor to tell you that these things are painful. Some of the people I love most are in the worst marriages. May Allah give them ease. Imagine having to live with and putting up with someone who does not have the same values and goals as you do, how on earth are you going to move on in life? 🙁 It is extremely hard.

Final thoughts

Marriage is more of heart-work than merely hard work. When you put Allah SWT at the center of your marriage, insyaAllah everything will fall into place. If you are soon to be married, I pray you find tremendous joy and love in your marriage insyaAllah. Ameen. 

Another of His signs is that He created spouses from among yourselves for you to live with in tranquillity: He ordained love and kindness between you. There truly are signs in this for those who reflect. – [Quran 30:21]

Any good from this article is from Allah and any evil is from the shaytaan and me. May Allah forgive our shortcomings in practicing His deen.

Wa billahi tawfeeq wa hidayah

(All successes come from Allah and His guidance).